Annukka.. in english

I just..

Annukka — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 13:00:38 +0000

.. wanted to wish everyone a Happy New Year.

His Royal Gorgeousness

Annukka — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 19:24:07 +0000

I just felt that this guy deserves a blogpost all to himself. He is such a gorgeous boy. This amazing cat is a true Healer. He gives so much love and comfort and he knows when you need it the most. He is all about love (and food). He’s a big boy.. almost 16 pounds. So what..? He’s big boned.. *ss*

We spoil him rotten.. and why shouldn’t we..?! He gives us so much every single second of every day.. just by existing. He talks with me and he talks a lot. He loves sourcream and chicken breast filet. Well.. he loves a lot of food.. like his mama

He has now injured his tail so he has had to stay indoors for almost a month. He does not like that at all.. and he protests loudly every day. I don’t want him to go out there and make it worse.. it’s healing so well now. The wounds has closed up and they are now dry and clean. Some other cat has probably bit him. I hope he gave them a run for their money.

Well.. I just wanted you guys to meet my boy.. he has many names, like most loved ones do. His Royal Gorgeousness is just one of them. His real name is King Kirre of Skörbyhöjden. He also goes by Beautiful, Princess, Baby and a million other names. He’s perfect. He just is absolutely perfect.

Lucia, birthdays and anniversary

Annukka — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 19:39:23 +0000

We celebrate Lucia here in Sweden today.. always on December 13th. The queen of light that comes at the darkest time of the year. I wish you americans would be able to experience a real lucia celebration sometime. It’s touching.. it’s beautiful.. it’s very traditional.

It’s also my parents wedding anniversary. Today is 42 years since they got married. They got to celebrate a silver wedding anniversary (25 years) before my dad passed away. And not only is it lucia and a wedding anniversary.. according to my daughter.. this is one of the most important days of the year. It’s Amy Lee’s birtday and this year she turns 30. Happy Birthday Amy Lee. It’s also Danny’s birthday.. and Danny is The Pancake Man of all times.. I love him.. Happy Birthday Danny Boy.

We went to the hospital for a 4 hour testing session this morning.. but they had forgotten about us, or things had gotten mixed up so we had to drive back home again. That sucked.. since it was an hour and a half drive in one direction. Shit happens though. Today is rainy and stormy out there.. so we’ve been just chillin’ indoors.

Have a wonderful Lucia people.. light some candles and let the light fight the darkness away.. on all levels.

Third of Advent

Annukka — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 12:40:18 +0000

Today is the third of Advent. That means we’re counting down and that there’s only one more Sunday left before Christmas. There is no Holiday spirit here what so ever. For many reasons. Weather being one of them. For the first time in a long time.. we have no snow. The lawn is still green and it feels unreal to celebrate Christmas when the weather shows late autumn or something. We saw some sun today though.. which is nice. We’ve had frosty nights and icy roads.. but that’s about it. I’ve got winter wheels on my car.. which is something you need to have by law in this country from Dec 1st. But no longer than April 30th. I think that’s a good thing.. it provides a much safer traffic environment and lessens the accidents by plenty.

No Holiday sprit at all. I have no idea where to find it.. if I even want it. I’m not sure. I kind of hope it comes and goes somewhat quick. I’m looking forward to meet my beautiful nephews and my family.. but I always look forward to meet them.. being Christmas or not. New Years.. we’ll probably be home by ourselves, my daughter and I.. unless she is invited somewhere with her friends. If so.. then it’s the cat and myself.. and that’s all good. I don’t mind.

I wish everyone a nice Sunday.. and may the Holiday spirit surround each and everyone of you.. just don’t forget that it isn’t all about the presents..

Today’s status

Annukka — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 19:01:30 +0000

I like lists… what can I say.. Here’s one that gives away today’s status…

Mood: A bit tired.. concerned.. shattered.. and hungry.

Plans: Make dinner, watch television, do some laundry.. maybe write some stuff a little later.

Most fun: Lunch with a wonderful friend today.

Most boring: The icy roads and my mind.

Most disgusting: The smell in the hospital where we were at today.

Should: Shower.

Longing: For a job, a life, a peaceful day.

Addiction: Facebook.

Want: A job.

Hairdo: A little blonder, a little shorter than before.

Clothes: Red sweatpants, blue t-shirt.

Person: Sanna.

Song: “My heart is broken” by Evanescence.

Christmas soon..?

Annukka — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 17:16:58 +0000

I can’t believe it’s only a bit more than 2 weeks to Christmas. It doesn’t feel like Christmas.. the Holiday Spirits has certainly not landed here this year. At all. I miss them though.. the anticipation, the excitement.. the decorations and the planning for those days that are meant to be with family and loved ones. But what if you don’t have that..?! That’s when Christmas becomes one huge bundle of pain. That’s what it’s like for me this year. I’m not looking forward to it at all. I wish it had come and gone already. I don’t really have anything to look forward to. Am I a downer..? Yes, I am. And I wish I wasn’t. I wish I had a reason to be happy and grateful.. but that reason is hard to find.

Once you start thinking a little though.. it’s there. I am grateful to have the most amazing daughter here with me. She truly is the light of my life and I don’t know how I’d go on another day without her. We also have the most fantastic cat in the universe.. he is so cool and he is so ours. He truly is a part of our little family here. I’m also grateful that I have a mother and brothers and a sister that’s close to my heart. I have nephews that fill my heart with pride and joy. My mom and one of my brothers will sponsor me with gas so we can spend Christmas with them. That is truly something to be grateful for.. so why aren’t I feeling that joy and happiness..?

Because life is not what it should be.. what it was planned to be.. what I had hoped for it to be. I need a lot of reassurance and that makes me feel clingy and needy and I’m aware that I can be too much to handle. I don’t even ask for it anymore.. because it makes me feel ashamed and embarrassed. I’m stuck in this grief, this deep darkness that seems to have no end. I’m losing everything little by little.. physically, emotionally, mentally. Next year will be a year of huge changes.. that I know for sure. I don’t know exactly how though.. and that feeds my fears and insecurities too. It might be time to try another way to deal with things.. since what I have been doing for a long time doesn’t seem to work. I’m only feeling worse and worse. What would that be though..? I have no idea. No idea what so ever. I’m on a mission to find out though.

Meanwhile.. Life goes on.. one moment at the time. S and I are making our own presents for Christmas this year. They are small but they are given from the heart and with lots of love. I miss my boys. A lot. It’s painful.. more than I can explain. There simply isn’t words enough. I’ve been writing the same thing about missing and loving for so long.. and every time it’s just as hard to try and explain how it really feels. I don’t think anyone can really understand. No words can give those feelings any justice.

Anyways.. December is here and it’s moving fast towards that holiday I dread so much. I’m taking one step at the time.. that’s all I can do. I wish everyone a nice and peaceful time.. don’t stress out too much. Nothing has to be perfect. Being together with the ones you love and cherish is the most important thing. People seem to forget what Christmas is really about.. It has become a commercial, moneydraining circus. Sadly.

Keep it cool people.. find those moments where you recharge your batteries, where you find that inner peace that gives you the true meaning of life.

Anxiety

Annukka — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 03:19:31 +0000

Anxiety is a bitch. I wake up with it and I go to bed with it. Some rare days it can be kept in the back of my head for a while.. but mostly it has decided to stay in the centre of my universe for now. I hate that. It limits me a lot.

Not knowing important and life changing things is difficult. Nobody knows, so there is no straight answer. Wait and see. God knows I’ve done that enough to last for a few lifetimes. It’s frustrating.. it’s heartbreaking.. it’s devastating.

I miss them so much and I want them here with me. But I don’t know if or when they will be here. Almost fourteen years has passed since I first started to wait for my heart to come here and make me feel complete. Fourteen years is a very long time. I should have hope and faith, but the fear has put a stop to that too. I want to hope and wait and be excited and maybe I will be again some day. But for now.. I live in darkness, sadness and fear.

Anxiety. It keeps me up at nights.. because the pain from it is so bad when I lay down.. so I dread doing that.

I’m standing at a point in my life where I’m about to lose just about everything. I’ve never been in this position before. It scares the shit out of me. I have never felt this alone in my life either. I know S and I are on many people’s mind. But here, physically.. we’re alone.

I’m so tired of being tired. So tired of having to struggle. Christmas is coming up. I don’t want it to. Because I am afraid it will be another one without my family being together. How many more of these holidays in a long distance relationship with 4000 miles and an ocean between us..? I don’t know. The one thing I know best for now is how to cry.

I’m very aware of that I have to get it together and get proactive again. I’m just so tired.. and I suppose I needed to vent somewhere.. Depressing, huh..?!

There’s so much love.. but it’s still being locked up and limited. It hurts. Hurts deep.

I just want a normal family life.. is that really too much to ask for..? Oh God, I miss them so much..

Thankfullness

Annukka — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 19:01:36 +0000

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone who celebrates it. I hope it isn’t all about food.. I hope everyone feels the thankfullness and gratitude of being able to celebrate together and to have loved ones surrounding you. There is always something to be thankful for. Sometimes it’s hard to find.. merely because other things take over at times. But even then.. there is always something to be thankful for. I am thankful that the snow hasn’t come yet. And I’m thankful that I have a wonderful daughter who I’m very close with.. and I’m very thankful for our amazing cat.

So.. eat, laugh and enjoy.. and be thankful for what you’ve got people. Don’t take anything for granted. Ever.

Confusion

Annukka — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 16:56:53 +0000

I am feeling so lost.. I don’t know what to say or do anymore. Emptiness. Fear. A racing mind that doesn’t listen to any reason.

Right now life feels dark and difficult. I’m getting to a point of no return.. but I don’t know where I’m going to land. I am not even sure who I am anymore or where I’m heading. I’m confused. Should I sell the house and move somehwere far away.. or somewhere nearby. I have no idea. I need a fresh start.. but how and where..? And where the hell will I get the strength from..?

Today is a bitch. A clinical depression is a bitch. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I hope.

Thanksgiving is coming up in the US.. so Happy Thanksgiving to anyone who might read this. I hope and wish you a nice holiday among friends and loved ones. We don’t celebrate Thanksgiving here.. but I know it’s a huge thing for you guys. Enjoy.. eat a lot.. and be thankful that you have each other and that you have a family to celebrate with.

Confusion.. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.. maybe.

What are words..

Annukka — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 00:42:31 +0000

.. I’m out of words right now. I’m just in so much pain..

Listening to this..